How not to sell dogs on Kijiji

86reliant, a Fredericton poster on the Kijiji Canada forums, offers the following advice for people selling dogs on Kijiji. It sums up some of the most frequently sucky mistakes made. Very good reading!

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Some of the posts here are painful to read. Sellers, do us all a favor and memorize this list.

* Unless he ate a loaf of bread, your dog is NOT a PUREBREAD, he is a PUREBRED.

* Horses are "Thoroughbred"; dogs are not.

* CKC is NOT proof of breed quality. Two horribly bred dogs can have CKC puppies.

* Rehoming to ENSURE a good home, not INSURE a good home. If you want to INSURE a good home, call an insurance agent.

* Spelling is key. Use this as a guide:

- Neuter, not Nueter or Newter.

- Chihuahua, not Chiguagua, or Chiuauauaua, or Ciuauaua or Cheewawa.

- Rottweiler, not Rottwhiler or Rottie (gah, I hate this one).

- Shih Tzu, not Shitzoo.

- Cocker Spaniel, not Cockerspaniol (and they do NOT come in "miniture.")

- Jack Russell Terrier, not Jack Rustle Terryor.

- There is no such thing as a "Golden Lab," it is the product of a Lab bred with a Golden Retriever.

- German Shepherd, not Shepard.

- Puppy, not Puppie.

- Puppies, not Puppy's.

- Very, not Verry.

- Adoption, not adaption.

- It is "a lot", TWO WORDS, not "alot".

- Multiple dogs "are"; one dog "is."

- Your dog is "housebroken", not "housebroked".

- Your female dog was "spayed", not "spade".

- Your dog was born, not borned.

* YOU didn't provide a "loving forever home" and you can't "gaurantea" that someone else will either. Oh, and it's "guarantee".

* You had your dog dewormed, not wormed. No one gives dogs worms on purpose.

* Commas and periods are your friends. USE THEM.

* YOU DON'T HAVE TO CAPITALIZE YOUR ENTIRE POST, TRUST ME, WE CAN READ IT.

* Just say "50.00 adoption fee". "Rehoming fee does apply" is stupid, evasive, wordy and unnecessary.

* Every sentence! Doesn't need! An exclamation! Point!

* It is not "please only call if your interested", it is "please call if YOU'RE interested". "You're" is "you are". "Your" is possessive (your hat is nice).

* There are a few exceptions, but to keep things simple, follow this general rule: 'a' comes before a consonant, 'an' comes before a vowel. "A cat", "an apple".

* You don't need to clarify that you will only give your dog to a "good loving home". It is assumed that decent people are not going to give their dog to a random scumbag. If you are concerned about the quality of the adopter, do a HOME CHECK (you should anyway).

* Stop threatening to take the dog to the pound if someone doesn't "save it". YOUR lack of responsibility is not other people's problem.

* You interview a PERSON; you do a HOME CHECK. You do NOT interview a house.

* "Rehoming fees" are NOT $400.00, nice try, but NO.

* PLEASE stop saying you have to "get rid of" your dog. You "get rid of" an STD; you hopefully find your dog a better home than you choose to provide. It is heartbreaking to see you care so little for a dog who probably loves you more than life.

* Some of you play the cute little game of saying "No rehoming fee, Adoption fees apply." HUH?! KNOCK IT OFF, JUST TELL US HOW MUCH MONEY YOU WANT FOR YOUR BELOVED DOG. You are starting to sound like a used car salesman.

* STOP blaming your landlord. It is YOUR responsibility, as an adult, to find out what the pet restrictions are BEFORE you bring a dog home.

* One last thing. If you have an "accidental litter", and you are asking $250 obo, YOU ARE A BYB (Back Yard Breeder). That is one step removed from a Puppy Mill. Don't pretend to be a victim of circumstance, or innocent. If it were your teen daughter who got pregnant, we would all understand; you can't spay your human child (although that might not be a bad idea in some cases). You CAN be responsible for your pets though, so it is not an accident if they get pregnant.



PET AD TRANSLATIONS

Puppy's = PUPPIES

puppie = PUPPY

Applys = APPLIES

rare = degenerate

photo of dogs in a chicken-wire cage = I'm a BYB who's too cheap to buy a kennel

Mom is an X, Dad is a Y = I knowingly or accidentally bred these dogs.
Either way, you're not "re-homing" them. You're finding their first home, and that's a sale.

The litter was accidental, I'm not a breeder, it's not my fault = Unless you happened to purchase/adopt a pregnant pooch, there's NO SUCH THING as an accidental litter. It's called negligence when you NEGLECT to spay and your dog unwantingly has puppies. Even if the neighbor's superdog happened to get under/over your fence. Your own damn fault.

Don't flag my ad = There's an obvious reason to flag

OBO = I don't care enough about the dog to find a good home, I just need money and need it fast

I'm downsizing my home, I am moving and can't take with = I'm too cheap/inconsiderate to look for a place for my dog/cat

post in every city = I'm desperate because no one wants my backyard bred dog

purebread = PUREBRED (Unless for some strange reason your dog is white or wheat)

My kid became allergic, I'm having a baby and can't keep my X month old puppy = You didn't do your research and now a poor dog has to suffer. Ignorant.

For Sell = FOR SALE

Dog is Hypo-Allergenic...You can have this dog if your kids have allergies!! = Listen, there's NO SUCH THING as a hypo-allergenic dog. The allergens live in the skin (or saliva), not the hair. So get your kids tested, and make sure that if there's a concern, you take the dog on a TRIAL basis. A respectable breeder and rescue would honor that request. Also, while poodles don't shed much, they do shed some. Like humans, you shed cells, hair... Dog's aren't magical.

ask about re-homing fee, email for more info = I'm charging $500 + and am too chicken to post it on here

I can't respond to emails = Well then how the hell did you post? / There shall be no proof of my misdemeanors

AKC/CKC registered = I paid a bit more so that you will pay a helluva lot more and think that it means the dog is quality (if you went to the AKC website you'd realize that any dog listed ask AKC registered that is up for sale is supposed to come with a specific disclaimer attached... but you already knew that didn't you?)

Chiwawa, Chichuachua, Chiuaua, and the best one, Chichuaga = CHIHUAHUA

Doxon = You don't know anything about the breed you're trying to sell

part Datsun= Perhaps it's a Japanese mixed breed. Hopefully it has low mileage.

-ipoo, -doodle, pom/x, and other crazy mixes = I'm trying to make it sound like a designer breed, even though it was really an accident/bred for quick $$ without considering the individual qualities of the breeds I mixed

wanted, X breed dog for cheap or free = #1, how about you do a petfinder.com search, or even a google search for local breed clubs, #2, use the 'free' section of Kijiji where everybody and his brother (it seems) are trying to give away puppies, and #3 most of you sound like you should never own a dog, let alone the breed you're asking for

I want $1000+ for my puppy = I live on another planet

I will pay you to rent your dog to mate with my dog = Too cheap to get a reputable breeder to do it

thanks for flagging, you're just helping me = This is my last attempt to get flaggers off my back / I'm panicking

All shelters suck = I'm a breeder / I was rejected by the local SPCA / I make gross generalizations without research

doesn't have shots / not spayed/neutered = I'm too cheap of a breeder to do it myself, so on top of a $300 're-homing' fee I expect you to do it yourself

I need to re-home my 8 week old puppy. I'm not a breeder. = If you have to re-home an 8 week old dog, you're an @$$#0!E or a breeder. Either way, you fail.

"Get rid of" = I can't even pretend I care

And for the cat people:

Kitten wanted/looking for kitten to adopt = I'm too lazy to look at a single Kijiji page and therefore haven't noticed the dozens of ads for kittens posted nearly every day.

I'm having a baby and can't keep my cat = what exactly do you think that your cat is going to do to a baby? Even if your kitty is temperamental, overly rambunctious, or has a fondness for sleeping on people's faces (a potential hazard around an infant); unless your cat is Superkitty it shouldn't be too difficult to close it out of the baby's room--and the rest of the time one can assume that baby is under your close eye.

I want to trade my... = I have a short attention span and lack a heart. I treat my pets like baseball cards.

This post was written by: Gord McCord

Gord McCord, webmaster at You Suck at Kijiji, makes fun of funny things on Kijiji. Do not take him too seriously. Also do not take yourself too seriously. Follow him on Twitter