YSAK 268: Horse from Planet Kick-ass *HALL OF FAME*

Another gem that turned up on Twitter. In fact, I'd say I like this one even better than the truck ad that's been plagiarized at least five or six times since appearing here -- the one with the "free MC Hammer pants". This ad is probably my favourite not-suck so far.

HORSE FROM PLANET KICK-A@@ LOOKING FOR A GOOD HOME....

Date Listed 24-Aug-10
Price $1,500.00
Address Priddis, AB T0L, Canada

OK, let me start off by saying this horse is only available for taking by the coolest of men (or women).

My friend, if it was possible for a horse to flex his muscles and make you melt in a heartbeat, this horse would be David Beckham. He's is just that manly.

He was never intended to ride around a gymkhana course.... buy a palomino for that.

He wasn’t meant to transport you through a set of barrels or chase a cow. No, that’s what your Paint is for. If that’s the kind of horse you’re looking for, then just do us all a favor and stop reading right now. I mean it. Just stop.

This horse was engineered by a 3rd degree Sonic Super-Stallion in the highest mountains of Rockies to serve the needs of the rider that cheats death on a daily basis. They didn’t even consider superfluous nancy boy decorations like a blaze (real horses don't have blazes), brand (a real horse doesn’t let anything touch his butt),

No, this beautiful 17.1h brute comes with the things us testosterone-fueled super action heros need. He's got fully automatic walk, trot, Canter and Gallop transmission. Fully equipped with slow-mo gaits as well. He even has a back up switch.

Rhum also has a supersonic speed so if you’re being chased by Burmese Bandits, you’ll be able to out run them. If you turn on the cruse control option you can google why burmese bandits are in Priddis!??? ........while continuing to look amazing.

He has been highly trained in technical fields such as Shang-Hi Show-jumping and Death Battle Dressage and knows moves such as the "Double Spin Auto Lead Change" "Competition crushing Collections" "Round House kick to the face Leg yields"

I just put in a new set of shoes on him to replace the ones that got shot off by the Taliban. And all of his shots are up to date now that he's back from Teaching survival in the Amazon. Now he's ready to destroy your tasty green grass, kill you with kisses and rest quietly in your company.

My price on this bad boy is an incredibly low $1500, but I’ll entertain reasonable offers. And by reasonable, I mean don’t walk up and tell me you’ll give me $50 for him. That’s liable to earn you a Burmese-roundhouse-sphincter-kick with a follow up three fingered eye-jab. Would it hurt? Hell yeah. Let’s just say you won’t be the prettiest guy at the Bon Jovi concert anymore.

There’s only been 8 years of living done this four-legged hellcat from Planet Kick-a$$. Hes ready for his next adventure. (at a very good home)

Now, go look in the mirror and tell me what you see. If it’s a rugged, no holds barred, trail-riding (re-arranging), brute mountain navigating MO-FO then contact me (e-mail). I might be out hang-gliding or BASE jumping but I'll get back to you.

To sweeten the deal a little, I’m throwing in his combat Siberian Winter Blankets, Savannah Dessert flysheet too. (other tack available)

Ride On!

This post was written by: Gord McCord

Gord McCord, webmaster at You Suck at Kijiji, makes fun of funny things on Kijiji. Do not take him too seriously. Also do not take yourself too seriously. Follow him on Twitter