Sunday, February 6, 2011

YSAK 333: Magic table is magical

Spotted on Twitter, this barely sucks at all, and is a fabulous attempt to make a humdrum item special.

Magic wooden dining table
Price $40.00

Greetings Frederictonites,

I have in my possession a magic wooden table. Ostensibly normal looking, the secret to it's power lies in it's construction. Forged in the fires of mount Olympus, every square inch was skillfully hammered together by Hephasteus, the Greek god of craftmanship. Each piece of wood was harvested from sacred oak. Each nail is made entirely from Zeus's beard, which was melted and reforged specifically for use as nails.

Before owning this table my life was dull and without meaning. Once I received this table, things changed immediately. I was no longer this poor and ignorably unattractive computer nerd. I went from weighing 115 to 125. I'm getting chicks constantly. My physical strength is something that I would describe as "super human". I once tore a car apart and made 5 working motorcycles with my bare hands. I sold the other 4 for a profit. Every morning I wake up with 8 different super models who immediately turn into 100 dollar bills.

Some other facts that may influence your purchase:

- This table can grant three wishes (2 used)
- This table will transform into a dragon (manual not included)
- Every harvest moon this table will glow brightly in the dark, between 2:59 and 3:00am
- This table once took a bullet for the president
- This table has been in six movies
- Hiding behind this table will make you invisible
- This table is a war hero

- There is what may immediately appear to be a burn mark from a very hot pan on the top. This is not what this is. This is the signature of Hephaestus, the volcano God.
- Spirits are often drawn to the power of this table
- If this table speaks with you, get rid of this table. Do not agree to any bargain.
- If this table begins to shake violently utter the words, "Tablus suppressus" and immediately throw salt on it

I am asking $40 for this table

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