Sunday, April 10, 2011

Classic ad from 2009 making the rounds again as a Subaru Impreza

A year ago, we shared with you an ad that was making the rounds on Twitter, boasting a manly-man car. If you don't remember it, check it out here.

Well, someone's ripped off the ad copy, minus some of the funniest bits, and is getting a ton of hits but no sale at http://toronto.kijiji.ca/c-cars-vehicles-cars-trucks-1998-Subaru-Impreza-Wagon-W0QQAdIdZ268172820.

But you know what? The ad's even older than I thought! I've come across a listing with the same text from 2009:

Make: NissanModel: XterraYear: 2006Kilometers: 78000Color: Black
Address: Guelph, ON View map
Location: Kitchener
Date Listed: 29-May-09

OK, let me start off by saying this Xterra is only available for purchase by the manliest of men (or women). My friend, if it was possible for a vehicle to sprout chest hair and a five o'clock shadow, this Nissan would look like Tom Selleck. It is just that manly.

It was never intended to drive to the mall so you can pick up that adorable shirt at Abercrombie & Fitch that you had your eye on. It wasn't meant to transport you to yoga class or Linens & Things. No, that's what your Prius is for. If that's the kind of car you're looking for, then just do us all a favor and stop reading right now. I mean it. Just stop.

This SUV was engineered by 3rd degree ninja super-warriors in the highest mountains of Japan to serve the needs of the man that cheats death on a daily basis. They didn't even consider superfluous nancy boy amenities like navigation systems (real men don't get lost), heated leather seats (a real man doesn't let anything warm his butt), or On Star (real men don't even know what the hell On Star is).

No, this brute comes with the things us testosterone-fueled super action junkies need. It has a 265 HP engine to outrun the cops. It's saved my bacon more than once. It's got special blood/gore resistant upholstery. It even has a first-aid kit in the back. You know what the first aid kit has in it? A pint of whiskey, a stitch-your-own-wound kit and a hunk of leather to bite down on when you're operating on yourself.

My price on this bad boy is an incredibly low $18,000 but I'll entertain reasonable offers. And by reasonable, I mean don't walk up and tell me you'll give me $9,000 for it. That's liable to earn you a Burmese-roundhouse-sphincter-kick with a follow up three fingered eye-jab. Would it hurt? Hell yeah. Let's just say you won't be the prettiest guy at the Coldplay concert anymore.

There's only 78,000 kms on this four-wheeled hellcat from Planet Kickass. Trust me, it will outlive you and the offspring that will carry your name. It will live on as a monument to your machismo.

Now, go look in the mirror and tell me what you see. If it's a rugged, no holds barred, super brute he-man macho Chuck Norris stunt double, then respond to this ad! I might be out hang-gliding or BASE jumping or just chilling with my lady, but I'll get back to you. And when I do, we'll talk about a price over a nice glass of Schmidt while we listen to Johnny Cash.

To sweeten the deal a little, I'm throwing in this pair of MC Hammer pants for the man with rippling quads that can't fit into regular pants. Yeah, you heard me. FREE MC Hammer pants.

Rock on.

2 Responses to “Classic ad from 2009 making the rounds again as a Subaru Impreza”

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