Monday, May 9, 2011

YSAK 388: Manny > Nanny

Why Get A Nanny, When Your Kids Can Have a Manny!

Dear Upper-Class Soccer Moms,

Are you tired of surfing through page after page of cookie-cutter nannies, who all have the same 'perky' Swedish features, and whose interests include vacuuming and giving your husband "eff-me" eyes whenever you're at your weekly philanthropic event? Rest assured, you've come to the right place.

Your kids are important to you. At least they are most of the time. Well, some of the time. Really you just want to make sure they don't end up in the clink or on the pole. But you're an increasingly busy lady, what with the jet-setting, the party hosting, and the plastic surgeries. And you've probably come to the conclusion that having one of the seven family TVs babysit your kids isn't really a long-term solution for passing Parenting 101. Unfortunately the Teletubbies can't teach your human muppets how to long-divide when they're 9, and you probably don't want Miley Cyrus teaching them about puberty either. At the same time, the world is a crazy place. Tsunamis. 2012 doomsday truthers. Charlie Sheen. Your kids are constantly in danger. I'm sure by now you've asked yourself "but how will a 5-foot, 4-inch, 110-pound Parisian bikini model on International Exchange protect my kids in the event of an apocalypse or an encounter with a coked-up Hollywood leading man?" Newsflash Mom, girlfriend ain't gonna be worth her weight in Nicolas Cage disaster flicks on VHS.

That's why you hire me to be your Manny.

True Facts:
- I'm 32-years old, 6'4 and 250 pounds. Nobody screws with kids who have the giant imposing Manny watching their back.
- I'm a certified teacher. So like the government would let me teach 30 kids at once if I wanted. But I'm not stupid. You can't handle your 2 kids. Imagine trying to manage 15 times as many at once. It's a ridiculous proposition.
- I'm good at math.
- I recently renewed my Canadian Passport, which means I'm free to accompany your family on annual trips to the Swiss Alps, Hawaii, and Rio for the next five years without missing a beat.
- I have both a business and technological background, so I can teach your kids mad wicked things about the Internet.
- I have an excellent driving record, and am open to becoming familiar with the cruise control functionality on any of the following vehicle brands*: Audi, BMW, Range Rover, and/or Cadillac.
- I'll make sure your kids become articulate, independent, social, productive members of society. I will take my role as de-facto parent/teacher/guardian seriously as long as you compensate me appropriately and are cool people to work for.

And if you're fame-whoring, I'm not opposed to turning this whole arrangement into a reality television program. I don't think I've seen any shows about awesome Mannies yet. As long as you're cool with pimping out your kids for the brainwashed masses at home, of course.

Drew the Manny

*Exceptions can be made if your luxury vehicle brand does not appear on this list.

0 Responses to “YSAK 388: Manny > Nanny”

Post a Comment

Need a media interview about You Suck at Kijiji? Contact me!