Wednesday, June 15, 2011

YSAK 400: You should probably live by yourself

And the ol' Blogodometer rolls over to 400. That's not even the full post count -- just the Kijiji Suck posts I've been counting. Nice. Thanks for visiting and click around some.

Got this ad from Twitter. It's a long read, but something something something you should probably just live alone. Honestly, schizophrenia isn't funny -- it's probably a terrifying, awful experience. But schizophrenics say and write some messed-up stuff. Please enjoy this rambling mess of psychosis, then go learn something about mental illness and make a donation to the appropriate organization.

Wanted: Looking for a furnished room for rent, July or August 1st
Price $400.00
Ottawa, ON

Hello,

I am a quiet, easy-going, clean female looking for a furnished room. I am looking for something long-term with just the right housemate(s).

Note: please do not reply if the room is more than 400$ per month ALL INCLUSIVE. Please do not respond if you are only replying to this ad because someone from the conspiracy surrounding me told you about me. I have already turned down several people because of this, and every time I do and tell them why, they say I'm just making it all up or tell me I need psychiatric help. As though acting and modeling in my face isn't obvious; as though I couldn't see that you're trying to force me in a direction I don't want to follow; as though I can't understand that you're only abusing me. So please, if you're just a part of this, move on and forget you ever saw this ad, OK?

Here are a few things I need my new home to include:

1- Quiet at night. I sleep at night, so I need my roommate to sleep at night, too. Sorry to those who work at night or who go to sleep in the early morning hours. It just won't work.

2- Clean. I am not a neat-freak; I just need you to clean up your spills, leave the kitchen and washroom in a decent state after using them, do some cleaning once in a while and not leave your things (such as dirty dishes or your dirty socks) lying around everywhere for long periods of time. Just the regular tidyness.

3- Understanding. I keep to myself. I don't want a buddy or, worse, a date, a boyfriend or a friend-with-benefits. Period.

4- Must be non-smoking. It's a must. I absolutely cannot stand cigarette smoke to the point of making me nauseous. Seriously. Not just the house; the people I live with also should be non-smokers or very light smokers because the smell of their clothes is enough to make my stomach churn. I am very sensitive to it. That includes 420, of course. And while I'm at it, I don't take drugs (just alcohol), and none should find their way into my system in any way. Alcohol can only go into my body when I put it there myself. Period. And yes, I've been drugged - roommates have put stuff in my drinks and my food, and I'm sure some have outright risked sneaking up behind me and injected it because I felt the little sting of the needle. I hate the feeling of drugs so, really, you're wasting your time and money. Seriously, I detest being high. And the last place I just visited (on June 2nd) drugged me while I was there (I felt the rush to my head after drinking the glass of water he offered me), then had the nerve to say that 'the drugs are just there in your body all the time'. As though my body makes drugs on its own! What kind of a lie is that?

5- My room is private, no matter what time of day or night, whether I'm there or not. Please respect my privacy, and do not try to enter my room (or anyone else, either) while I sleep, or any other time AT ALL. Yes, I've been raped. And even more ridiculous is that I am starting to believe that people force-feed me (food or drink) during different times of day or night. And of course I won't tolerate it anymore.

6- Do not bring fornicating buddies over for the purpose of making sure I can hear what you are doing. I will tolerate even less if you do it on the couch in the living room while I am in the apartment. Especially if what you want is to tempt me into joining; trust me, that won't happen.

7- My things are mine. I chose what to do with them. This includes, but is not limited to, rotting my food or swapping it for someone else's past-due-date items; cutting holes in my clothes; putting my clothes in the dryer for me (none of my clothes go in the dryer); swapping my new clothes for used ones; swapping my expensive organic food for cheap non-organic crap; stealing my monthly payment deposit statements; making copies of my keys; making changes to my clothes, such as making them smaller (or swapping them for something larger) or adding or modifying whatever decoration on it; swapping my laundry detergent for bleach or some other unknown, strange entity; or damaging, stealing, or swapping any other items I own. And I sure as hell won't tolerate you yelling at me if I ask you what happened.

8- Must be in Ottawa as I am still on social assistance, and not willing to deal with the paperwork to switch to the Quebec one (désolée, mais je n'en ai pas envie...).

9- No cameras or sound systems that are meant to either record, streamline, dispatch or entertain others outside the apartment in any shape or form. My life is private, period. No one other than me should know where I am and what I am doing any time other than when I am in public or with someone. And when I am in public, no one has the right to let others know where I am, either. I am not a star, an icon, an actress, a puppet, a pet or a slave. You have no right to stalk and abuse me. Period.

If you have pets, I am fine with that. I adore cats and enjoy most types of dogs, but will accept to live with all forms of mammals and maybe some other, exotice pets ;).

Also, please note that I refuse to be submitted to pressure into doing things or buying things that I would normally not accept. I do not want to have roommates that feel that they need to invite me to drink even though I repeatedly say no to them. I am a free human being and won't 'obey' to your every whim (I have been accused of not accepting change and being insubordinate because I wouldn't be bullied into getting a cell phone, and for other reasons). I want a roommate who accepts making a few (please note: very few) compromises and won't accuse me of trying to force them to change when I ask what the house temperature is (only to find out it was cranked up to 30 degrees celsius and the misters - this happened with two different male roomates in two separate houses - were complaining that he was freezing cold, even though they were barefeet, in shorts and shirtless, and their bedroom windows were wide open).

And if you ask me for a damage deposit and I haven't damaged your property when I leave, return it. I have to sue someone now because she refused to give it back, claiming it was her payment for my insubordination (why the hell did I have to pay her for refusing to borrow her cell phone???).

I am not asking for perfection; I want you to understand that being *abused* won't be tolerated. And don't you dare tell me that I'm asking for the impossible. You damn well know I am just asking for normal living arrangements that are 100% acceptable. I refuse to be kicked around like if I was someone's pet slave. And the definition of 'easy-going' sure as hell does not mean I have to shut up and accept whatever illegal abuse you throw at me.

If you are still reading and are happy to live with someone like me who just wants to have a quiet, clean, no-drama life with their roommate, please email me. Oh yeah, and you damn well know I'm not the one creating the drama, so save yourself the time of accusing me without reason. Those who would try are pathetic. I want a normal life and you damn well know I'm not asking to live like a queen. So don't reply to tell me I'm exaggerating in any, because you are only proving to me that you want to do exactly what this ad is telling you not to.

Last note: MUST BE WITHIN MY PRICE RANGE. Do not reply if you can't meet my budget or any of my conditions. I'd rather go homeless than end up with something unsuitable or too expensive. Seriously. And if all you want to tell me is that I will end up homeless, save your energy. I don't care. I really, seriously don't. I am fed up with this crazy nonesense and won't tolerate it anymore.

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