YSAK 460: Antique Crunchie bar

Bill tips us off to this tasty one: "Here's a good one from Friendly Manitoba. There can't be very many of these still kicking around, especially if there is the minute possibility that it was once owned by John Lennon!"

Crunchie Chocolate bar unopened from 1970s! Wow! Cool! Lame!
Price Please contact
Address Winnipeg, MB, Canada

Cadbury Crunchie Chocolate Candy bar, still unopened in package from 1970s

NOTE: THIS IS NOT SOMETHING YOU SHOULD EAT UPON PURCHASING!! I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ILLNESS, VOMITING, CHOKING, DEATH, BAD BREATH OR ANYTHING ELSE THAT MIGHT RESULT FROM FOOLISHLY EATING A 40 YEAR OLD CANDY BAR!

Here’s the scoop on this unusual item. I was tearing out some old kitchen cabinets in my home, and behind the base boards at the back I found an old package of Players with a 1971 calendar printed on it, plus this Crunchie bar, so I’m assuming it’s from the same time because I’m good at making assumptions based on facts (just like Horatio Kane). Plus that’s when the house was built, so connect the dots I did. I could be mistaken, I'm not sure of the date it was made. But it looks pretty old to me. It's drastically different from the current wrapper (see below for that discussion), so I would say it's antique. There's even a heart as part of the design, and everybody loves hearts! There's even a card game named after them. It's being sold As Is, no returns on this bad boy.

Anyways, I guess whoever was installing the cabinets during the early seventies must have been one frustrated individual, finding out that he left his snack and smokes boarded up behind the cabinets. Hey, maybe you’re the person who left them, now’s the chance to get them back!

But I digress. Anyway, I’ve had this candy bar for a few years wondering what I would do with it. I started to think, “I bet there aren’t very many of these left in the world. I must share it with someone else!”…OK, well, seriously, I was hoping some wealthy individual or online casino might see some value in an unopened chocolate bar which in my understanding isn’t sold commercially in the United States (I could be wrong, I don’t feel like looking it up, but feel free with my blessing). As for the actual bar itself, it’s not in mint condition. There’s a couple of tiny tears in the back flap, but no tears exposing the actual bar itself (thank goodness, I’m afraid to see what it looks like to be quite frank). And, well, I don’t know what else to say about it. The package is quite different from the foil wrapper appearance Crunchie currently has (or at least they did have it around Halloween, who knows how it looks now. I still remain unmotivated to look this up myself). It’s pretty light in terms of weight, and I’m sure it would make a much more interesting conversation piece at your next cocktail party than some expensive sculpture you overpaid for. “Hey , is that an old Crunchie bar?” one might ask. “Yes,” you reply smugly. “It’s from the seventies. I heard John Lennon bought that particular bar but never got around to eating it, and I ended up with it.” (Note, the John Lennon thing is not true as far as I know, but it very well could be. He may have stopped by the day my kitchen cabinets were being installed, so it’s not technically a lie. Just a creative way to pad a story. After all, you know darn well your cocktail parties are very dull and you have to make them exciting in some way. Nobody enjoys it when you pull out the Twister game or slides of your trip to Europe. I'm sorry I'm the one who had to tell you this). Now where was I?

Oh yes, I was shamelessly promoting. I have never seen an item like this on Kijiji before. Earlier today when I did a search for “Old Crunchie Bars”, there were zero hits! Now is your chance to own this once in a lifetime item! I will sell it to whomever has the highest offer, I’m hoping it can fetch at least in the low four figures (yeah, including decimal places. It just sounds more impressive when it's worded that way). I'm considering moving my family to a larger home, and I do not want this Crunchie bar taking up space, space I might otherwise use to put a fancy souvenir spoon from Buckingham Palace, or my car keys. I’d rather it take up space in your home, and I’m pretty sure you do as well! So come on! Be the only person in North America to have an unopened Crunchie bar from the seventies! OK, OK, I’m being too grandiose. Be the only person in your province to have an item like this...all right, all right. Only person in your city. Street? Apartment complex? Parent’s basement? I’m not fussy. Feel free to make whatever claims you’d like once you have this item in your hands. Again, I don’t want you to buy this and eat it. By obtaining what some are already calling the "Kijiji Ad of the Year" (I said that out loud so it's technically true), you are releasing me from any liability for any hardship you might endure because of it. It’s my understanding that chocolate doesn’t age well either, unlike a fine wine or Cher.

Oh, the fun you could have with this item! You could go to your local convenience store and announce to the clerk and other customers "I'm here to buy a Crunchie bar!" Then go over and pretend to pick one out of the box, but instead pull this one out of your pocket unseen and ask the clerk "Don't you rotate your stock? What's the matter with you? What else do you have, a box of Shreddies featuring stickers of 'Raiders of the Lost Ark'? Perhaps a Seven-Up bottle featuring a picture of the Winnipeg Jets Bobby Hull under the cap?" Then claim you're lactose intolerant and he shouldn't be pushing his chocolate wares on you anyway. What's that guy's problem? Sheesh. Why do you come in this place everyday? Actually, this convenience store scenario might not be a good idea. He might actually make you pay for the chocolate bar you walked in with. Plus what if he actually does have an old box of Shreddies with 'Raiders' stickers on the shelf? Then you'll just both be embarrassed.

Which brings me to one other plus about this item, as I said above, it will probably fit right in your pocket (unless you wear really tight jeans). I might suggest it wouldn't even melt by this point, so no worry about embarrassing stains (note, it might melt, I don’t know. This is not a guarantee or claim. Don’t blame me if the girl at the bus stop you always smile at notices a brown stain on your pants). Finally, you just might be able to hear that classic line “Hey, is that a 1970’s era Crunchie bar in your pocket or you just glad to see me?” Ha ha! Imagine how embarrassed that person will be when you actually pull out this chocolate bar! Good times!!

Now's the time you have to make what could be the biggest decision in your life (and if it is, you really should consider getting out more). If you are not within a reasonable distance and live overseas and really really want this item, I will keep the shipping price low by sending it in a bubble wrapped filled envelope to protect this wonderful treasure. That will free up your funds to outbid each and every other individual who wants to add this to their personal collection. It’s fun! Tell your mother!

This post was written by: Gord McCord

Gord McCord, webmaster at You Suck at Kijiji, makes fun of funny things on Kijiji. Do not take him too seriously. Also do not take yourself too seriously. Follow him on Twitter