Sunday, January 22, 2012

YSAK 502: Get revenge with this SCARY SPIDER HOLY CRAP

A scary, yucky wolf spider in Prince Edward Island? Wikipedia says wolf spiders are EVERYWHERE. But now you don't have to go looking for one yourself!

PEI wolf spider in a glass jar
One "Scrappy" Wolf Spider - Free to kind owner seeking revenge
Address Charlottetown, PE C1A 4A2, Canada

I caught a glimpse of this handsome fellow skipping across the hall at the office, and after a few retching noises, I immediately realized the potential to make someone's life TOTALLY AMAZING.

Personally, I hate spiders. They make me violently ill and I scream like a 4-year-old when I see one (yes, that happened this morning when I saw this fine creature). But boy, do I RESPECT spiders. Anything that causes violent emotional/physical reactions like mine gets mad props.

Here's the pitch: Have you ever hid in a dark closet for your little brother and jumped out when he opened the door? Remember his louder-than-hell screech followed by his injured-cat-like mewling in the fetal position? Remember how he cowered from you for days afterward, thinking you might pull some related stunt again? RELIVE THOSE GLORY DAYS WITH THIS HERE SPIDER! It's like buying a time machine! Scare the bejeezus out of whoever you want!

"So what?" you say, "he's just a Wolf Spider. In a northern climate. Whoop-de-freakin-do."

Hold on one second, friends. If you aren't familiar with the Wolf Spider, check him out on Wikipedia or some other nature site. Here's some of my favourite stats:

"They have eight eyes arranged in three rows" - can you believe that?! SCARY.
"Flashing a beam of light over the spider will produce eye shine" - like a REAL WOLF in the dark!
"They live mostly solitary lives and hunt alone" - they're the Chuck Norris of spiders!
"Wolf spiders will inject venom freely if continually provoked" - 'nuff said. I almost threw up again just TYPING THOSE WORDS!

Wanting to seize upon this great opportunity, I had someone in the office wrangle this little dude into a paper cup. He did not go quietly, I can assure you - it was a BATTLE. This spider has the reflexes of his brother, who is CERTAINLY the spider who bit Peter Parker. You know, SPIDERMAN?! Yeah. THAT spider.

You could hear him scratching the inside of the cup! I suggested moving him to a more secure and impenetrable holding cell - this Mason jar. He's currently acting normal, but we all know he's conserving his energy, and won't be contained for long. Don't let this picture fool you.

ACT NOW, and come get this guy! Just think of the emotional wreckage you can create with this creepy b@stard! Best part is: he does ALL THE WORK! Just set him free around the target, and he'll do the rest.

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