Monday, January 30, 2012

YSAK 510: Seeking 600 cubic inches of Cat

Halifax tweeter @concreteorange posted this ad. "My last cat got swiped by some yuppies down the street," he says. "The Hydrostone elite strikes again."

The only thing preventing this ad from getting an A+ from me is that the measurements are not in metric. This is Canada, eh.
Wanted: Looking for Suitable Cat

I seek a cat. Here are the particulars:

The cat ought to roughly be 12 “x 10”bt 5 “. So , 600 cubic inches of cat, give or take. Naturally, I’m not fanatical about its exact volume. That would be madness.

Frankly, it does not matter a jot. All I ask is that is has some colour, as cats bereft of any colour are extremely hard to find. Personally, I don’t see the point of owning a cat that one cannot see. One also lives in constant danger of stepping on it , which would probably aggravate both cat and owner somewhat.

Again, age is just a number (although a significant one if one is say 114) . Still, I prefer one that is not pensioned off. It has to be able to move from point A (let’s say the kitchen) to point B (e.g. Living Room) in less than an hour without the aid of a cane or a wagon.

This is important. It must be able to get along with a large, rather enthusiastic, but thoroughly pleasant German Shepherd. The two ought to become fast friends, a la Bonnie and Clyde , share the same world view and taste in water. One look, and the cat should be heard to mutter: “there’s my dog” and fall into his arms.

It should loath those little buggers the way Lord Black loathes prosecutors. Like a silent ninja, it must be able to glide about, ready to send the whole lot to their maker. In other words, I’m looking for the Clint Eastwood of cats . Mind you, squinting is optional. No ponchos.

I don’t make demands of my cat, that I would not make on myself. Hence, the cat must positively not be able to procreate in any way shape or form (and that includes foreplay) . It should look at members of the opposite sex with the same indifference with which Lady Gaga greets an invitation to a lawn bowling tournament.

Ideally, the candidate would find him or herself to be somewhere in the North End of Halifax. As my ability to drive has been scandalously been cut short due to a slight disagreement with a movie set arrow, I cannot flitter about across country to pick up said pet.

If you have a suitable candidate, please get in touch. Thank-you for your time.

1 Responses to “YSAK 510: Seeking 600 cubic inches of Cat”

Anonymous said...
January 31, 2012 at 11:25 AM

I want an ultraviolet-colored cat!

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