YSAK 511: Boss me around so I get something done

Here's an ad that's blowing up on Twitter right now, and I can't tell if the poster is serious or just looking for attention. It's posted under 'Child care' of all places.

URGENT! Seeking parental figure for part-time nagging...
Address Winnipeg, MB R3G 1M1, Canada
Job Type Contract

Hi there...

Are you so intimidating that people just avoid you? Do you have a loud, abrasive voice? Lack people skills entirely? Are you incredibly stressed out? Do people say you nag them too much for arbitrary reasons? Do you often just want to yell at someone because you are upset about something entirely unrelated?

... look no further than here, because YOU are the candidate for this TOTALLY AWESOME AND VERY UNIQUE JOB.

I am a useless, procrastinating, overly-entitled, incredibly lazy and unfocused student who deserves very little of the good in my life. So, it's totally okay to dislike me right off the bat. (In fact, that actually IMPROVES your chances of doing well in this very exclusive position!).

With my first-semester fluking-out luck running out fast, it looks like I now actually have to study and do work and stuff. Sucks to be me! However, I can't seem to actually sit still long enough to get school work done.

This is where you come in. I'm looking for someone to call my house on a regular basis and yell at me to study. I can make you mad if you want, but the ideal candidate will already feel so genuinely angry that they won't need my prompting.

I don't care what else you squeeze in there- blame me for your failing marriage, your cat dying, your high-blood pressure, the time your cell phone fell in the toilet, your mediocre looks and blotchy skin... it doesn't matter, just so long as you manage to make me feel horrible for not doing my school work.

That's all.

We can try a few trial phone calls to see if we have the right dynamic. This is what it should look like:

YOU: overbearing and horrid, a super-nag.
ME: irritated, guilt-ridden and suddenly eager to crack open a textbook or two.

Once we have established this we can talk money. I may be lazy, but at least I'm not as cheap as I'm lazy.

I have attached an artist's representation of what I hope you look like. If you do look like this, I would like to see your photo. If you do not, you can just send me a photo/drawing of someone who looks sort of like this and tell me it's you.

I really hope to hear from you soon, oh angry and confrontational stranger...

Well, that's about all. I'm going to download some Seinfeld and make pancakes.


Georgia



PS. I have an essay due this week that isn't going to write itself, you know.

This post was written by: Gord McCord

Gord McCord, webmaster at You Suck at Kijiji, makes fun of funny things on Kijiji. Do not take him too seriously. Also do not take yourself too seriously. Follow him on Twitter