Saturday, January 28, 2012

Weekend Kijiji Special: Make a man out of me in time for Super Bowl

HELP!! NEED TO LEARN HOW TO PLAY FOOTBALL BEFORE SUPERBOWL..READ

I *desperately* need to learn about football between now and next week's Super Bowl game. Preferably from someone who was a quarterback in college or the pros, but at the very least someone who knows a lot about quarterbacks.

My girlfriend and I were just invited to a Super Bowl party at her ex-boyfriend's apartment, and to be honest, last time I met him he told me he played football in college and I responded that I did as well --which was a lie.

I don't know why I lied, I guess I just panicked and wanted to impress my girlfriend. Anyway. He asked me what position I played and I told him I played quarterback because that was really the only position I'd heard of.

I really don't know anything about football except for the fact that touchdowns how you score points and sometimes you kick the ball. I've been reading articles on ESPN.com and watching clips online but I don't think it's going to prepare me for questions about actually playing it, or for making good comments during the game. So I need someone who can *quickly* teach me about all of things I would have learned playing football as well as what to say about it.

This person MUST be available each day between now and the Super Bowl game (February 5, 2012), some time between 7-9pm on weekdays or afternoons on Saturday.

This is really important to me. I think my girlfriend still really likes her ex and when we first started dating she cheated on me a few times with him, so I really can't risk looking like an idiot in front of both of them.

Oh, also, her ex played "linebacker." Should I know a lot about playing "linebacker" too? Do quarterbacks normally know about that? I definitely will need to learn all the positions and what they do, but it might help for me to learn something from a "linebacker," if you know one.

Seriously, this is really important. My girlfriend and I are going through a bit of a rough patch now and she keeps threatening to move out. I'm afraid if I get caught lying about this our relationship is over.

I'm offering $500, but would be willing to go higher if you're an actual college or professional football quarterback, and would pay extra if you knew a linebacker you could bring along to teach me about his position.

And if you would be willing to text me good comments to say during the game, I'd to pay you an extra $100 for that. Maybe more if they're good comments.

Please contact me IMMEDIATELY via email if interested.

1 Responses to “Weekend Kijiji Special: Make a man out of me in time for Super Bowl”

LimeLolly said...
January 30, 2012 at 2:15 AM

Football. Easy peasy.

There are two teams. One tries to kill the other because they refuse to pass the ball. What your team wants to do is knock the other team to the ground and 'Curley shuffle' on their backs, before the referees catch you. Then you take the ball (it's called a pigskin and often may be a real pig) and kick it really high and catch it before you're tackled by the other team. Running out of bounds is being a poor sport, and you have to twirl around in a circle at each ten yard mark. This is where your ballet training is going to come in handy. Once you get to the endzone, it's mandatory that everyone still standing dog piles on you until the ball squirts out of your hands, then everyone gets up and tries to do it again at the other end of the field.

Now man up, and go play some football.


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