Wednesday, February 8, 2012

YSAK 517: 40 year old virgin convict seeks to sway with stats

Found this in Halifax > Jobs > Other for some reason. I'm sure it'll be removed by the time you see this, but it's good for a laugh.

Pro Bono (Female) Partner
Address Bridgewater, NS B4V 1V8, Canada
Job Type Full-Time

I have tons of positive attributes! You just have to be creative in how you look at them.

I’m not especially handsome, but that’s actually a plus. Recent research by Harvard Sociology professors have discovered that less attractive mates are commonly more attentive, considerate, affectionate and appreciative, but less disease ridden than Chip & Dale dancers.

If you’re thinking that it’s sad that I live with my parents, it’s not a problem. I’m allowed to stay up as late as I want (assuming I don’t want to stay up past 10:30), I have all the cheese and bologna that I can eat for FREE, and next month when my allowance increases, I’ll be able to take you to any fast food restaurant you want (Dutch Treat).

If you’re concerned that I’m almost 40 and have never had a girlfriend, worry not; I paid close attention in grade 9 Health Class. I’m memory serves, I’m pretty sure I understand the ‘how’, even if I don’t quite get the ‘why’ or the ‘what’. Plus I’ve seen my pet hamsters involved in fornication, and although they are both male, I suspect the underlying principal is fundamentally the same.

If you’re concerned for my potential impending incarceration, statistics prove that relationships with external time constraints burn 45% to 70% hotter than regular boring courtships.

If my likely inadequate reproductive organs create cause for concern, I also have in my possession 2 elastics and a clothes pin for you know what. Plus I can commonly hold my breath for 3.5 minutes at a time, although my psychiatrist has been trying to convince me not too.

My ideal woman would be Princess Leia from the original Star Wars in 1977, or Robin from Batman, if he was a woman. It’s not essential, but it would be a definite asset. Other assets would include the ability to drive me around and buy me things. Oh, and it would be awesome if you had some boobs. Just saying.

Please feel free to share this with your select group of single female friends. By ‘select’, I mean those with a high inclination towards settling, (I find desperate such a negative term). If they can’t understand how this is a full-time job, they are likely not the right candidate.
While not my first choice, I am willing to consider celebrities.

1 Responses to “YSAK 517: 40 year old virgin convict seeks to sway with stats”

DigitalAxis said...
February 20, 2012 at 7:29 PM

My guess: The poster is a 30 year old woman who's had enough of that kind of sh*t.

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