Thursday, February 9, 2012

YSAK 518: Chuck Norris cat will not piss on your couch

Weird Chuck Norris-like Cat Seeks Severely Awesome Human
Address SWANSEA POINT, BC V0E 2K2, Canada
Offered By Owner

kijiji chuck norris cat
They call me Clement, and I am the Chuck Norris of cats. I’m looking for some new digs because my dickhead humans are in a bad spot and have to sell their house and move somewhere I can’t come. Sucks to be them! (Their loss.)

Friends, let me tell you something about myself: I am amazing.

I’m a totally ideal roomie for somebody (or a group of people) who demand quality. Why is that? Well, because I AM QUALITY. Quality is my middle name. Clement “Quality” Catface. Seriously. Just look at the photo, and try and trick yourself into thinking otherwise.

I’m an adaptable kind of guy, and would be an amazing buddy for a (severely awesome) senior who wants to get their snuggle on while they knit, or a (severely awesome) young couple who wants a cat to laugh at while they are wasted and laughing at everything anyways. I’m great with kids though I don’t look very good in doll clothes so let’s not go there.

(Chuck Norris always said… "those who dress a cat in doll clothes deserve whatever they have coming to them." Which may or may not be a karate chop to the jugular.)

(No really. He said that.)

Here are some things I have done, or “Why I am Practically Chuck Norris”:

• highway driving through the mountains on top of a block heater of a truck (AND all my fur grew back! Crazy! I can’t believe how awesome I am!)
• Outdoor winter survival
• Fights with other cats/raccoons/coyotes
• The SPCA (did you know they euthanize most of us? Thankfully, I was mistakenly identified by some dumb lady as her cat, when I wasn’t even her cat. So she took me back to her place. What an idiot.)
• I live on a steady diet of CAT FOOD. Could you survive on this sh*t? I think not.

So now you know that, like I said, I am practically Chuck Norris. Here are some other things that make me better than all the pathetic excuses for cats who you may mistakenly think are worth feeding every day:

• bad*ss scarred and frostbitten ears
• STRIPEY MADNESS. I have like 10x the stripe power of most cats. So many stripes. Like a million of ‘em.
• I am stupidly healthy.
• I don’t want to be too direct here, but just so you know, I have a triple black belt in snuggle. You want a lap warmer while you watch Seinfeld? Done. You feel like petting some cat face while on Facebook? Cool. You want something purring to sleep beside your feet and keep ‘em warm at night? I’m on it. I've got you covered, no worries here.
• This should go without saying, but I use my cat box reliably. Kind of a given, right? (and on that note- super artistic! I make sculptures in Stephen Harper’s likeness in my litter box.)
• I eat my own puke so you don’t have to clean it up. And I have never had a hairball. Speaking of disgusting, I also catch and eat things that you don’t want living in your house. Gross, right? But also kind of awesome and great?
• Excellent conversationalist. I am a very vocal fellow, not shy about my opinions. And my voice is LOUD.
• I’m versatile, in that I can rule at being inside AND outside. SEE: section one, “I Am Practically Chuck Norris”
• I will annihilate any other cats AND any dogs you have, so if you want to kill the pets you already have, I’m totally your feline right here.
• I am insanely neutered. That’s right. Some a*s-hat chopped my balls off, and now I don’t even want to piss on any furniture anymore. It sucks. I also have my vaccinations, which were fine because I was too busy making googley eyes at the vet to notice. She was scratching my butt and it was awesome.
• I AM NOT AFRAID OF ANYTHING. Except for you not loving me. So love me.
• I am totally charming and also a medical doctor and astrophysicist. Because I’m intellectual. This all means I can totally diagnose stuff and also warn you if an asteroid is going to hit the earth. So, if you’re smart, you probably want me to live with you.
• Meaning that if you don’t want me to live with you, you’re probably not very smart.

Well, there are many more things that are great about me, but I think your brain would explode if you read them all in one place. So, if you think you might be amazing enough for me to want to be your new roommate, than you should be in touch via this ad. But be prepared to take a number, because I’m a popular guy and have no doubt that I’ll be so in-demand that people are going to be banging down the door trying to convince me to live with them.

So good luck.

In the meanwhile, I'm going to go eviscerate some mice, kung-fu some bad guys, and recover ancient archaeological artifacts and whatever.

Meow and sincerely and all that,


PS: I'm putting the word out, you should too. Help some lucky person out there find the cat of their dreams by reposting this... Facebook, Twitter, smoke signals, whatever you humans use,...f*ck, I don't know. Like I said, I don't even spray the furniture, so you should get that I definitely don't do online social networking. On that note, I don't even have thumbs, how the h3ll am I typing this, anyways?

2 Responses to “YSAK 518: Chuck Norris cat will not piss on your couch”

Rob H said...
February 10, 2012 at 9:08 AM

Awesome find...I want this cat...I don't even like cats, but I like this one.

DigitalAxis said...
February 20, 2012 at 7:24 PM

Chuck Norris cat once caught and killed a laser pointer spot.

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