Wednesday, February 15, 2012
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Me, I'm sick of these over-the-top car ads. The first "manly car" with the free MC Hammer pants was funny three years ago, but I'm personally full to the brim with long-copy hyperbole. However, the Twitterverse is not, and is presently all aflutter about this ad for a bigfoot-ready Volkswagen Jetta. For your amusement.
Address Calgary, AB T2T 6G9, Canada
When you’ve got 800 pounds of angry Sasquatch closing in on you, you want a car that’ll do the walk of life. This is that car.
Picture it. You’re strolling though the winter woods on a crisp afternoon. The sun’s getting low, so you decide to call it a day and start making your way back down the trail. As you round the last corner, you see it: two baby Sasquatches wrestling in the snow. They don’t notice you right away, so you reach for your camera to snap the pictures that’ll make you famous. But the flash is on auto, and when you push the shutter a blinding strobe lights up the dusk like a Berlin disco. The cute little Sasquatches let out a hellish scream that jars their 9-foot-4-inch mother from her stinky nap.
There’s no time to wonder how you didn’t notice the 800-pound ape-like cryptid snoozing a few feet away from her babies. Things just got real.
You bolt past the juveniles and down the trail, fumbling for your keys as you spy your ’98 Jetta Wolfsburg at the trailhead a few hundred yards away. That’s a slick looking car, you think as you run for your life. But Mom Sasquatch is hot on your heels, and this isn’t the time to fawn.
You de-activate the alarm with your remote, and the key slides into the door lock like a hot knife through tofu. You’re in. As you turn the ignition, the brand new starter engages and the 2.0L engine roars to life. It has a block heater, but you never use it, even when it’s -30. You think an amped-up Sasquatch is gonna wait while you unplug? Please.
It’s times like this that make you glad you bought a car with a 5-speed transmission. The new clutch is butter smooth, and as it engages into reverse, the new winter tires grip like a drunk aunt at a wedding dance.
You’ve never really appreciated the K&N air filter under the hood. Until now. Those few extra horsepower are about to come in handy. And it’s a good thing too. How many times have you seen a Sasquatch attack survivor telling their story on the news? That’s right, none - Sasquatches don’t play.
As the car accelerates backwards, the enraged Sasquatch takes a swipe at the hood. Her fingernails look like curly fries, and she’s about to serve them hot.
You crank the wheel hard to the left, swinging the hood around to evade her reach as you shift out of reverse and into first in one smooth motion, feathering the clutch as you push the accelerator to the floor, launching the car forward.
Why do they call it the Wolfsburg Edition? Because it runs like a wolf, and that’s exactly what you need right now. There’s 200,000 km on the odometer, but that’s nothing for das auto, and these engines are known for being bulletproof. Sasquatch proof? This isn’t the time to find out.
You rev the RPMs high before shifting into second gear. The new water pump does its job like the mob, keeping the engine cool as you leave the snorting Sasquatch in a cloud of snow and progress through the gears, racing off into the night while thanking your lucky stars you bought this Jetta when you had the chance.
If only you hadn’t dropped your camera.
• 200,000 km (low for the year)
• Black on black with tinted windows
• New clutch, new starter, new water pump
• Comes with 4 winter tires and 4 all-seasons on 2 sets of rims
• Alarm system
• Power sunroof
• Air conditioning
• Includes an FM transmitter so you can play Stayin’ Alive on your iPod
• Sasquatch-ready with a few minor battle scars
• $2,500 obo