Friday, March 16, 2012

The Kijiji Wedding Dress of Failure (543)

So, you buy a wedding dress that's the wrong size. That's the least of your worries, because your groom goes and bones a 20-year-old virgin. The result? A bargain on a tear-stained wedding dress! Thanks to Marci for the find.

Alright, we all know that if someone is selling a wedding dress it's because the honeymoon is over, no different here. I am selling my beautiful princess inspiring wedding dress. It was love at first sight........between myself and the dress that is. It has layers and layers of material, all sheer on top, that can hide the shame of my failed marriage. I have included a "model" picture of my dress just so you can see what it would look like on a tall skinny person, just like the one my husband slept with. My dress is a size 8(I am a size 4?!?) and I had a B chest(she had a D) and I am 5 foot 2 inches. I paid $805, brand new, and I still have receipts from Bridal Depot(my husband tells me that strip clubs and massage parlors don't provide receipts, good to know!). I had maybe 2 inch heels on and if you need another 2 or 3 inches of length, just don't use the extra crinolin, get rid of the excess garbage, I say. You can see in the photos how happy I was that day in my perfect dress but of course I was completly oblivious to the hell I was to go through, my face is much less smiley now and I have numerous stress wrinkles. So having said that, I make no false claims that this dress will keep you stress or wrinkle free for any length of time. I have included a picture of the original happy couple to make it easy for you all to identify the culprit, or in this case the a hole but also so you can see what a lying, cheating, self-centered idiot, snake looks like next to you in the perfect dress. My dress was ivory but now it's more of a deep shade of depressed grey with wilted roses along the bodice and hem. It would need to be professionally cleaned to get all the wretched nightmares of bullying, jealousy and harrassment out of it. It pins up in the back so you can just ignore the train all night, otherwise it's too much of a commitment. I still have the gloves but never wore them so they are virgin-like, just like the 20 year old virgin my husband slept with. I have no veil to go with it, as I borrowed that from a family member who is also now divorced from her man-child husband. The veil was all bad news, I blame it whole heartedly! You can also see there are spaghetti straps that are detachable, not unlike my husbands devotion to our vows. Sorry to charge so much but I am practically living near the poverty line because a certain someone is a cheap selfish ........... you get the point. I don't even know if Kijiji will post this but counsellors always say you should write things down, so this felt good! This is serious, I can't wait to be rid of all wedding related items.

Wedding Dress (cloaked in failure)
Price $250.00
Address Kitchener, ON N2R 1Y2, Canada
View map

Alright, we all know that if someone is selling a wedding dress it's because the honeymoon is over, no different here. I am selling my beautiful princess inspiring wedding dress. It was love at first sight........between myself and the dress that is. It has layers and layers of material, all sheer on top, that can hide the shame of my failed marriage. I have included a "model" picture of my dress just so you can see what it would look like on a tall skinny person, just like the one my husband slept with. My dress is a size 8(I am a size 4?!?) and I had a B chest(she had a D) and I am 5 foot 2 inches. I paid $805, brand new, and I still have receipts from Bridal Depot(my husband tells me that strip clubs and massage parlors don't provide receipts, good to know!). I had maybe 2 inch heels on and if you need another 2 or 3 inches of length, just don't use the extra crinolin, get rid of the excess garbage, I say. You can see in the photos how happy I was that day in my perfect dress but of course I was completly oblivious to the hell I was to go through, my face is much less smiley now and I have numerous stress wrinkles. So having said that, I make no false claims that this dress will keep you stress or wrinkle free for any length of time. I have included a picture of the original happy couple to make it easy for you all to identify the culprit, or in this case the a hole but also so you can see what a lying, cheating, self-centered idiot, snake looks like next to you in the perfect dress. My dress was ivory but now it's more of a deep shade of depressed grey with wilted roses along the bodice and hem. It would need to be professionally cleaned to get all the wretched nightmares of bullying, jealousy and harrassment out of it. It pins up in the back so you can just ignore the train all night, otherwise it's too much of a commitment. I still have the gloves but never wore them so they are virgin-like, just like the 20 year old virgin my husband slept with. I have no veil to go with it, as I borrowed that from a family member who is also now divorced from her man-child husband. The veil was all bad news, I blame it whole heartedly! You can also see there are spaghetti straps that are detachable, not unlike my husbands devotion to our vows. Sorry to charge so much but I am practically living near the poverty line because a certain someone is a cheap selfish ........... you get the point. I don't even know if Kijiji will post this but counsellors always say you should write things down, so this felt good! This is serious, I can't wait to be rid of all wedding related items.

author

This post was written by:

Gord McCord, webmaster at You Suck at Kijiji, makes fun of funny things on Kijiji. Do not take him too seriously. Also do not take yourself too seriously. Follow him on Twitter

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