Monday, March 5, 2012
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For Sale: Vision Fitness X1400 Elliptical Trainer
Address Regina, SK S4X 1B6, Canada
We paid $1400 for this bad boy. It does everything except walk for you; it even has a cup holder for your Big Gulp, or I suppose Gatorade if you’re being healthy. I think this machine is in such good shape that we should be asking $2000 for it – I mean it’s a glimpse into our past, you know? But my wife says we should ask $700, so I’ll go with that.
So here’s your chance to get a gym quality elliptical machine that looks and feels brand new for pennies on the dollar. It’s programmable, measures your pulse, has built-in timers, and a fancy console with lots of readouts and other cool stuff.
I work at home and I can see it from my office. It makes me feel guilty every time I see it, so I’d like you to buy it. Even though I’m still fat I’m confident that this machine will transform your body into that of a Greek god/goddess in no time flat. Before long people will be posting your picture to Pinterest with captions like “some day” and “wow, look at that flat stomach!” Someday I’ll be sitting at home on my couch, eating pizza, and see you on some televised fitness competition. You’ll probably win (because this machine is so awesome), and when the announcer asks you how you got started in the fitness world you can say “some fat guy sold me this elliptical machine” and the announcer will be so amazed that you’ll end up with your own TV show like Jillian Michaels.