Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Don't get drunk, buy an oil burner instead (537)

This St. Patrick's Day, Dazzle Her With a 25 Year Old Oil Burner
Price $75.00
Address Halifax, NS B3N 1G1, Canada

Is two months' salary too much to spend on a 25 Year Old Oil Burner? Probably. Which is why YOU can now purchase such an item for your lady's Very Special Hot Water Heater for just $75. Just think of what a 25 Year Old Oil Burner will represent to your beloved: commitment, stability, and the ability to purchase a large, shiny object for her.

For too long St. Patrick's Day has been thoughtlessly dismissed as an opportunity to leave your beloved at home and go off to drink the same green beer at multiple establishments. Or worse: an opportunity to bring your beloved along with you as you go off to drink the same green beer at multiple establishments TOGETHER, resulting in a spiral of shame, regret, nausea, and mutual resentment.

Perhaps you failed horribly at Valentine’s Day; perhaps your relationship is hanging by a thread, thanks to ill-considered purchases of waxy chocolates, wilting flowers, and a humorous greeting card that implied your beloved might be ageing less than gracefully. Fear not! This St. Patrick's Day is an opportunity to redeem yourself! Will other men be purchasing THEIR beloveds (or yours) a 25 Year Old Oil Burner? No they will not. This is your chance to Win.

But it will not do to purchase Any Old Gift on this most auspicious of days. No- only the finest gift will do for your Special Lady Friend. Do not think of purchasing her a silly hat, or ridiculous bedazzled spectacles in the shape of shamrocks. Those gifts will not do, and in your heart of hearts, you know it.

You COULD always purchase her a piece of expensive jewelry, but we all know that jewelry is considered by women to be a transparent ploy for their Affections, and women do not look kindly upon transparent ploys. Besides- a 25 Year Old Oil Burner is just as shiny (given a little elbow grease) and is many hundreds of times as heavy. It only stands to reason that it is many hundreds of times as valuable, yet paradoxically is a mere fraction of the price. There is no gift more perfect.

So Act Now- before it is too late. St. Patrick's Day comes but once a year. Your Lady Friend -and your liver- will thank you for it.

FAQ:
Is this a Serious Ad? No, it's a funny ad. But I really am selling the oil burner.
What's wrong with it? Nothing- it was regularly maintained and worked beautifully. The hot water tank got rusty, so we had to replace the whole unit.
I have a Special Gentleman Friend / I don't have any Special Friends; can I still purchase this exquisite gift? A 25 Year Old Oil Burner is a fine gift for anyone (even yourself). But if you wanted to ATTRACT a Special Lady (or Gentleman) Friend, I couldn't think of a better way to do it than to present them with such a unique token of your affections.
I don't celebrate St. Patrick's Day. Why start now? There is no time like the present. You don't need to be Irish to celebrate St. Patrick's Day, and if you ARE Irish, I put to you that most Ladies would rather be presented with a lovely 25 Year Old Oil Burner than be asked if they have a little Irish in them, and if they'd like any.
This St. Patrick's Day, Dazzle Her With a 25 Year Old Oil Burner
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Date Listed 28-Feb-12
Last Edited 28-Feb-12
Price $75.00
Address Halifax, NS B3N 1G1, Canada
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Is two months' salary too much to spend on a 25 Year Old Oil Burner? Probably. Which is why YOU can now purchase such an item for your lady's Very Special Hot Water Heater for just $75. Just think of what a 25 Year Old Oil Burner will represent to your beloved: commitment, stability, and the ability to purchase a large, shiny object for her.

For too long St. Patrick's Day has been thoughtlessly dismissed as an opportunity to leave your beloved at home and go off to drink the same green beer at multiple establishments. Or worse: an opportunity to bring your beloved along with you as you go off to drink the same green beer at multiple establishments TOGETHER, resulting in a spiral of shame, regret, nausea, and mutual resentment.

Perhaps you failed horribly at Valentine’s Day; perhaps your relationship is hanging by a thread, thanks to ill-considered purchases of waxy chocolates, wilting flowers, and a humorous greeting card that implied your beloved might be ageing less than gracefully. Fear not! This St. Patrick's Day is an opportunity to redeem yourself! Will other men be purchasing THEIR beloveds (or yours) a 25 Year Old Oil Burner? No they will not. This is your chance to Win.

But it will not do to purchase Any Old Gift on this most auspicious of days. No- only the finest gift will do for your Special Lady Friend. Do not think of purchasing her a silly hat, or ridiculous bedazzled spectacles in the shape of shamrocks. Those gifts will not do, and in your heart of hearts, you know it.

You COULD always purchase her a piece of expensive jewelry, but we all know that jewelry is considered by women to be a transparent ploy for their Affections, and women do not look kindly upon transparent ploys. Besides- a 25 Year Old Oil Burner is just as shiny (given a little elbow grease) and is many hundreds of times as heavy. It only stands to reason that it is many hundreds of times as valuable, yet paradoxically is a mere fraction of the price. There is no gift more perfect.

So Act Now- before it is too late. St. Patrick's Day comes but once a year. Your Lady Friend -and your liver- will thank you for it.

FAQ:
Is this a Serious Ad?
No, it's a funny ad. But I really am selling the oil burner.
What's wrong with it? Nothing- it was regularly maintained and worked beautifully. The hot water tank got rusty, so we had to replace the whole unit.
I have a Special Gentleman Friend / I don't have any Special Friends; can I still purchase this exquisite gift? A 25 Year Old Oil Burner is a fine gift for anyone (even yourself). But if you wanted to ATTRACT a Special Lady (or Gentleman) Friend, I couldn't think of a better way to do it than to present them with such a unique token of your affections.
I don't celebrate St. Patrick's Day. Why start now? There is no time like the present. You don't need to be Irish to celebrate St. Patrick's Day, and if you ARE Irish, I put to you that most Ladies would rather be presented with a lovely 25 Year Old Oil Burner than be asked if they have a little Irish in them, and if they'd like any.

1 Responses to “Don't get drunk, buy an oil burner instead (537)”

DigitalAxis said...
March 15, 2012 at 12:25 PM

Oil burners are a girl's best friend


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