Sunday, April 22, 2012

New hall of fame dog ad, with an A++ for vocabulary (571)

This is the best Kijiji ad I've seen in a long time. I'm not going to over-hype it -- just read it for yourself. And have a dictionary on standby for some of the spectacularly appropriate language.

Two designer dogs and one cat.

Price $1,450.00
Address St John's, NL A1E 2S5, Canada

Dog 1 is a Papillon crossbreed. She has long, self-righteous fur, and matching ironic personality. She displays skittish behavioural tics, manifesting themselves in screeching when being picked up, flinching when insects fly by, and hiding at inappropriate times. This sanctimonious cur once shat outside but found it unsettling; now she boycotts the ritual. Though clearly a dog, she requires a cat’s litterbox, using it sparingly, and most of those times, opting to crap on the side of the box. The majority of her bowel movements occur in shoes, next to radiators and on top of the vacuum cleaner or mop. She also has a penchant for showing dominance by urinating on baby toys, clothing, and kitchen appliances. She does many tricks yet disobeys all commands. She is a fussy eater yet continually begs for unwanted food. She is an antisocial jerk yet freaks uncontrollably when anyone leaves or arrives. She would hide if a burglar broke in, yet barks to the point of Cujo venomous insanity at any peculiar noise at any time, day or night. She sheds uncontrollably leaving layers of fur in awkward places. She refuses to be cuddled, yet despises being left alone. All measures of Pavlovian training and classical conditioning have failed due to her ostentatious personality. She enjoys humping Dog 2, yet abhors Dog 2. She gains pleasure from walking in young children’s paths and scaring the elderly. She would be an ideal dog for a bachelor douche troll with no children, parents, friends or romantic prospects. Beautiful dog. Bought for $1,500, asking $1,450.

Dog 2 is a Shichon (Shih Tzu/Bichon Frise cross breed). She has white matted fur and is incredibly stupid. She mimics Dog 1’s actions of defecating indoors, preferring to leave a Hansel and Gretel style path of fecal pebbles throughout several rooms. She takes vacant joy from urinating in random places without desire to show dominance or spite. She has a voracious appetite for all dog food and human food, as well as phones, glasses, shoes, remote controls, children’s toys, and wood of any variety, including chairs, trees, popsicle sticks and table legs. This stunned beast also enjoys snacking on other dogs’ poo, and is known to subsequently vomit these partially digested turds indoors. She whines when she appears sick yet there is nothing wrong with her, ever. She has learned one skill and one skill alone: to imitate Dog 1’s hebephrenic reaction to doorbells, visitors and random noises, and the two project their intense cacophony of fury six to ten times per day, 365 days per year. When being humped by Dog 1, she has no idea she is being humped. She continually tries to escape out the front door into traffic, yet has zero street sense and would certainly be run over in under seven seconds. She is impossible to walk on a leash due to her own lack of self-awareness and prevailing dim-wittedness. She would be the perfect pet for an untidy family with no expensive or important possessions or carpet. Incredibly cute. Bought for $1,350, asking $1,295.

Cat is gorgeous long-haired incredible mouser that causes no trouble and contributes to the family in many ways. Bought for $25. Not for sale.

1 Responses to “New hall of fame dog ad, with an A++ for vocabulary (571)”

Anonymous said...
January 19, 2013 at 2:52 PM

I read this ad through tear streaked eyes while buckled over in fits of laughter! I rarely encounter such blood drawing honesty that it almost moved me to contacting this seller! Almost.
Well done!


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