Monday, May 28, 2012

My girlfriend's orifices attracted pee-pees, so let's go cage fighting (591)

Sadly, I missed v1.0 of this ad earlier today, so we'll take second place and visit with the one that uses the term "pee-pee" instead.

This gets filed under 'revenge' and 'vagina'. As someone who attended his first live cage-fighting show not that long ago, I'll say up front that I'm not applying to win this gentleman's contest. It's not that I don't like mixed martial arts, but I found it much more enjoyable on TV. Maybe if this guy had seats within the first few rows, I'd suck up, but... yeah, he doesn't sound like the kind of fight fan who'd have any patience for fat, snarky bloggers.


Selling my ex gfs UFC 149 ticket (re-write)
Price Swap / Trade
Address Scotiabank Saddledome, Calgary Stampede, 555 Saddledome Rise SE, Calgary, AB T2G 2W1,

Hello,

I had written up an ad for kijiji involving a backstory about how my girlfriend screwed me over, and that I was selling her UFC ticket but apparently was too graphic for the internet. So I am doing this re-write because while the kijiji police are riding around on their high horse, it didnt help my ticket situation. So heres the PG-13 version:

Dear Kijiji Calgary, My girlfriend and I had purchased some UFC 149 tickets with the hopes to go together and enjoy one of the worlds most popular sports live right here in our own city. After purchasing the tickets, SHE had the idea to use her orifices as male pee-pee magnets that did not consist of my own. Well as you can probably imagine that didnt sit too well with me so I canned her. But that put me in a unique situation; what do I do with my (her) ticket? So I thought "wait a minute, lets check kijiji!" Smart right?!

After noticing alot of sonofaguns selling their tickets for 4x what they paid, I wanted to do something more fun. Money isnt important to me, I have plenty of it and you giving me yours wont change my life any. What I need is a GOOD EFFIN TIME this July. So heres your oppertunity to explain why YOU are the ideal candidate for this ticket. Give me reasons/offers that would want me to pick you over everyone else who emails in. Here is a short list of mandatory requirements you must meet before offering:

1. Be 18 or older. Im too pretty for jail. Im in my mid 20s, but you can be anything! (above 18 of course)
2. Think outside the box. Im judging you 50% on creativity and 50% on your offer. Make me want to choose you.
3. You can be a Man or a Woman, there are ways to have fun with both (but in totally different ways).
4. Women- Dont be shy. I dont care if your a supermodel or an absolute train wreck, Im only looking for someone to watch the fights with (but hey, dont let me stop you from using what God gave you to get what you want.)

Guys- Im straight, so dont be emailing me ab pics, thats just weird. Instead let me know how much fun you can make the night. Your going up against women, and there are alot in Calgary, you kindve have your work cut out for you.

Thats it! and before you start emailing me, let me tell you about myself so you know what your getting into, and so you can decide if you even want to hang out with me:

-I take annual bass fishing trips
-I have met the Stanley Cup 5x, and partied with it and Johnny Toews. If you dont believe me and I choose you, you can call him the night of the fights
-I have a dog, Cinnamon, who will also be assisting me in choosing a winner
-Everything about my body is average, except its uncanny abilities to grow excellent facial hair, consume large amounts of alcohol, and remember directions to places Ive never been without writing them down
-I can run really fast. And we might race
-Im trilingual. I can fluently speak English, French, and Chinese
-Im a lover, not a fighter. But Im also a fighter so dont get any ideas
-Im white, not that that should matter to you...racist
-3 things I would take with me if stranded on an island: peanut butter (delicious), Cinnamon (companion/hunter/extra meat incase I cant find an animal to eat), and a shovel (so I can dig to China and escape the island)

There you go, that should paint you a pretty good picture of what your getting yourself into. Help me forget that my ex girlfriend ever existed by telling me just how you plan to do that in exchange for her UFC ticket.

Good luck, an announcement will be made in this same selling page once a winner is chosen!

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