Friday, July 27, 2012

Theft victim taunts thief on Kijiji (635)

Eleventy-five gold internets to this theft victim who's using Kijiji Saint John to hunt a dirtbag scumburger who stole his sunglasses. I look forward to hearing about where this goes.

Wanted: To the Thief who broke into my truck, You forgot something
Price Please contact
Address St John, NB E2K 2B1, Canada

A message to the walking maggot that calls himself a human being. The same one breaking into cars on Lawson Ct in Saint John.
A message to the walking maggot that calls himself a human being. The same one breaking into cars on Lawson Ct in Saint John.

I know what you took out my truck. But you left a little something, like a game I presume. Your Joker to my Batman. Well let the fun begin.

First, Pawn shops, notice the BluRays listed below.

The Pacific on BluRay
Chronicle on BluRay
A couple hoodies
One of which looks like the one pictured below.

Back to our master criminal.

I hope you enjoy The Pacific. It is a fantastic piece of work that details some of the travails of the soldiers who fought with courage and honor to defend and protect.

You wouldn't know anything about that, since breaking into and stealing from some else's property is literally the polar opposite of courage and honor. Cowardly and disgraceful would be more fitting.

"Chronicle" is another wonderful title about three friends who through sheer luck, (mis)fortune, and something other worldly, find themselves in a situation where their very souls & boundaries of their friendships will be tested. I assume someone like you, dear thief, would gravitate towards the "Andrew" character. As it turns out he is without remorse, is apathetic towards everyone, including those whom he once called friends, and in the end, is really without any soul & is left alone on a pike as he takes his last few gasps of air.

Andrew, I shall call you Andrew, The thieving dim-witted buffoon who lacks a soul.

One of the sweaters you took was very dear to me as it was given to me by my better half. A better half is someone who is your partner, but in every way possible is better than you. However someone of your stature is obviously without a partner. As who would want to steal other peoples goods, when they could have someone at home to talk with, share with, laugh with, even explore all the physical possibilities that two people who love each do. No, instead you seem like the type who sits up at night with a bowl full of cheesies in his Moms basement watching Full House re-runs to try and recapture that feeling you had when you were a child. Sadly you can never bring those times back. It’s time to let Danny and his family go.

But, back to the present discussion. Andrew, you made one mistake. See you left something in my truck. Once we discovered them, we placed them in a bag, and below they are pictured. Your sunglasses. Yes, you left your Foster Grant eye wear on the floor of my vehicle. And oh my, they are wonderful.

Well, actually, they seem fitting for someone like you. You see folks, Andrew here is so cheap he can't even spring for new sun glasses when the arm of his current pair breaks. No, ol' Andy MacGyver here is a practical person. No sense in replacing, when one can just crazy glue the arm back to the frame. I mean the arm doesn't fold closed any longer and the glue residue smeared haphazardly adds a certain, "Meh" factor. But the real stunner is that one can see the glue smears your grubby little fingers left on the lens. The work of a true professional. Now I get why your view is so askew, you literally look through a hazy glue smeared fog every sunny day.

But the best news is, really, something special, well I am so excited I can barely contain myself. I must go pee.

My apologies. When good news like this bestows itself on me I have a tendency and need to relieve myself.

Good ol' Andy here left us a clue. When we placed the glasses in a baggy, and help them up, what's this, oh my. We can literally see finger prints on the plastic lenses. Oh how excellent. You are no Joker. You are more like, “Cluemaster” a ridiculous and very short lived villain who always left clues for our hero to find and catch him with.

Andrew Cluemaster

Well we have a name now anyway. So here it is Andrew Cluemaster. I will give it, say, oh, two weeks for you, or one of your merry posse to reply to this ad, and let me know when and where I can collect what is mine, and I shall give you back these glasses of yours. If after two weeks, there is no such correspondence, I shall be forced to turn these over to Saint John’s finest, and await the news of whom you really are, where you live, and how you look standing in front on a judge, if even for such a petty crime.

The ball is in your court Andrew, I look forward to hearing from you, idiot.

1 Responses to “Theft victim taunts thief on Kijiji (635)”

Anonymous said...
November 4, 2013 at 7:26 PM

Hilarious, and well written.
i wouldn't hold out hope, however, that the police will spend a dime to have those fingerprints processed. They wouldn't do it for me when my stolen vehicle was recovered - and the thief left behind his screwdriver, knife, apartment keys (including a Medeco key and numbered mailbox key, which basically means a locksmith can use the Medeco code to pinpoint the actual building the crook lives in) and several glass bottles with perfect, clear greasy fingerprints in plain view to my untrained eyes. The officer dealing with the case said there was no 'usable evidence' left in the vehicle. For a small fee to the locksmith I could have let myself into the thiefs apartment! No usable evidence, my ass.....
Ottawa cops, just so you know.

Post a Comment

Need a media interview about You Suck at Kijiji? Contact me!